No wonder crack addicts never want to stop.
This is pure hell.
Over the past 2 weeks, I have been weaning myself off of Zoloft.
Weaning should make it easier right?
Wrong.
As of last Sunday, I am completely anti-depressant free.
Dear God, what was I thinking?
I keep reminding myself of all the reasons I decided to stop:
- I detest medication and think it is completely abused nowadays
- my goal was to be pill free by December
- we plan to make baby #3 next year, and Zoloft can really screw up a fetus
- a therapist once told me that I would be on medication the rest of my life, I have every intention of proving him wrong.
- I'm stubborn
- etc.
Every day I tell myself:
"It's ok, you've hit bottom now. This withdrawal can't possibly get any worse, tomorrow will be easier."
Thus far, not the case.
I get intensely annoyed at everyone and everything.
I have had a constant headache for the past 2 weeks.
My body feels weak, tired, and drained.
My dreams are absurd.
I want to cry, scream, and laugh all at once.
I wouldn't be able to power through this, if it wasn't for my darling little family.
Sophie has been a doll.
She distracts Mya, keeping her busy so that I don't feel like I'm going to fall apart.
Right when I feel as if I am going to snap, Mya gives me hugs and kisses.
Denny, poor sweet Denny.
The other day I had made lasagna for dinner.
In my attempt to crazy the tray of lava over to the table, the container gave way and toppled onto the floor. For several moments, I just stared at the bright red sauce all over my floor and wall, wanting to cry.
"Too bad you dropped it, mom." Sophie innocently called from her chair at the table.
I took a deep breath, scooped up the remaining food, stepped over the mess, and had dinner with my girls. Once Denny got home he stared at the gory scene, obviously amused. Without uttering a single sarcastic word, he grabbed a wet rag and cleaned up the mess.
How I love him. :)
He has been nothing but supportive through my snippy comments, bursts of uncontrollable laughter, and other insane moments.
note to family: Don't worry, I am not losing my mind. The crazy comes in waves, at times I feel fine. I love you all. Thank you for being so concerned about me. :)
2 comments:
If I had dropped the lasagna, I would have done more than stare. I would have screamed and bawled and shouted "I quit!" I would have said, "Jeff, I don't care about the stupid budget. Go buy something, NOW!" And he would have, of course.
You are a great writer. Have you ever thought about writing a novel? Seriously! Your use of words brings me right in to your world. Most people cannot do that. You probably don't even know what a good writer you are. My, oh, my! You are a goddess of words.
I am really sorry withdrawal is so tough, and I have no idea what it must be like. I imagine it is horrible. I hope that you find a really good natural way to combat your mental illnesses. I used to get really depressed and suicidal. I don't anymore. The solution I found is a permanent one, but, since it is natural, it is not effortless, and takes will power and standing up to lots of people when they want to tell me I am an idiot. Peer pressure is mean, but I don't listen to them. They don't know. I know. I know what it used to be and what it is like now. I never wanna go back, so I don't care what others say. They don't know.
Oh man, I SO know where you're at. My worse was weaning off of sleeping pills (and the upper I had to take in the morning to counteract it) at the same time. We should get the girls together soon for some hopefully stress-free play date time. :-)
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