Monday, January 31, 2011

I Love You

I'm having a hard time with a certain situation.

My mom once told me that we remember what we want to. I guess I'm just one to hold on to worse memories? Anyways, this is me trying to focus on the positive.

You are infuriating. Sometimes I just want to smack the stupid out of you.

And yet, I adore you.


You were the first person to make me feel beautiful, without having to be all done up.
You defend me and stand up for me, especially when I'm too hurt to do it myself.
You remind me to take care of myself, because sometimes I just forget.

You still hold my hand.
You kiss me every day.


I miss you when you're gone.
Not because I need you, but because I love you.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Sophie = Photographer

Today the girls and I went to my dad's. We spent the morning waiting for the piano movers to arrive.

I took my camera and tripod so that I could practice while we waited. Sophie decided that she would show me what's what. I put the tripod down to her level and she turned it all about, snapping pictures as she went.

The two on the left she did with the self timer. She thought it was the bees knees pushing the button then running to the couch. Those two are also out of focus, because the focus is on her slippers. :P

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Good Morning

This morning, Mya and I woke up an hour before Sophie did, so I ran downstairs and grabbed my camera.



I love my girls.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


Ok, is it just me?

All the pictures have awesome color on my laptop... but when I get on Denny's computer everything looks really yellow.

Do they look yellow to you?

Please and thank you.

Monday, January 24, 2011


God knew that I was slowly going insane, so he gave me a break.

It's 50 degrees outside today! :D

I bundled up Mya, plopped Sophie in the stroller, and we took a walk to the park down the road. A small (and crazy) part of me wanted to strip naked and soak up the sun. Don't worry, I resisted the urge. Despite the fact that the wind was cold, we had a good time.

We've also started taking our morning showers upstairs. There is a nice big window in the shower so we get sunshine in there too. It's helping.

Aside from the small emotional breakdowns (like not making it to church yesterday), I think things are a little better.

Friday, January 21, 2011


My mother often reminds me that it is physically painful for her to live so far away. The pictures and videos that I post are the equivalent of crack to her.

Sorry I haven't put many up, mom.
Here's your fix.
I even went through and edited them all, so click on the pictures to enlarge them.

My brother hangs out with Denny. They nerd. Plus two depressed people should equal happiness right? negative + negative = positive?

When Sophie was an infant, I was delighted by the way she reacted to wind. Her eyes got all huge and she'd stick her tongue out. Tonight I found out that Mya does the same thing when you blow on her face. It makes me giggle.

My girls.

Prettiest ladies in the world. :)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

PPD is Balls

Everything went wonderful. The pregnancy was far more enjoyable this time around. The labor and delivery were actually delightful; it went just how I wanted. Mya sleeps better than any newborn should. She nurses well and is gaining weight. Sophie is adjusting to being a big sister very well. I couldn't ask for a more helpful husband.

So why does this all feel like a cruel joke?

Due to marital issues, the majority of my last pregnancy was spent crying. Once Sophie was born, the crying continued, as I tried to take care of her myself. I blamed that postpartum depression on the lack of support.

I'm an overachiever, it's what I do. I want to try something new, I do well at it, then continue until it is "perfect" in my eyes. I simply dismissed the idea of PPD this time around. It wouldn't happen. I had a husband who contributed, I'd already had a newborn before (and a high-needs one at that), I could do this.

I should have known better. Having depression run in my family, dealing with depression earlier in life, and already having PPD once before - all made it a pretty good chance I'd deal with it again.

I thought I was doing pretty darn good. I didn't feel sad, I didn't have uncontrollable urges to cry.

I also didn't realize that I spend 12-13 hours in bed. I'm snippy, I can feel myself get irritated at things that wouldn't have bothered me before. I don't want to be around people. It's safe to say that Sophie and I have lived in pajamas for the past month. I'm pretty sure I don't eat enough, because I just don't want to go upstairs and get food.

Yesterday I wanted to sit on the couch and relax, and Sophie asked for a snack. That's all. It is absolutely absurd that asking for a snack would stress me out, but it did.

Having lived with depression/bipolar disorder, I know how to handle my mood dips. I go outside, I soak up the sun. I take Sophie on walks to the park. I play piano. ...all things that I can't do right now. Yay winter.

I plan to ask my Midwife for helpful ideas at my appointment next week. There are two things that just won't fly. 1- a lot of time away from my kids. 2- medication.

I love my family, and know you just get concerned out of love... but if you tell me to take happy pills, I'll smack you. I don't even take Sudafed while I nurse, because EVERYTHING I ingest goes into Mya. I won't stop breastfeeding just to start pills either.

So I don't ignore you because I don't love you, I just don't feel like dealing with people. Denny is a wonderful support, and if I'm lucky it will go away sooner rather than later. I'm not always down, it just comes in spurts. So don't worry (even though I know my mom will anyways).

Thursday, January 13, 2011

2 weeks

At her 2 week appointment (last Monday) she weighed 7 lbs and measured nearly 22 inches.
She gained a whole pound. :)

Remember the oodles of tiny newborn diapers I made? ...Turns out I'm not a fan of fitteds on a newborn. At least I can sell them. I really like our prefolds though, under comfy fleece covers. Live and learn.

She is more alert during the day now, and still sleeps well at night. She is a nursing pro, and her skin color looks much better.

Sophie is a wonderful helper. She loves her baby Mya.


We all know at least one person, who complains about everything. The person who feels like the entire world is out to get them, while they are the one causing all their problems. I can't stand those people.

Then there are the ones who are really dealing with problems. The ones who normally don't broadcast their pain, but suffer in silence. The person that would gladly take any alternative over dealing with their emotions for one more day.

Not many people can really understand what the 2nd person is going through, unless you've dealt with it yourself.

A 16 yr old boy, from my high school in Ohio, took his life yesterday. Random students will suddenly miss him, people who didn't even know he existed. That irks me. They in no way understand the situation, they just feed off of drama. Stupid teenagers.

I can understand. I battled depression throughout my teen years, and was labeled "bipolar." (bipolar my ass) My last real "episode" was back in Aug 2005. Last summer I wrote out several memories, that was one of them.

People who take their life aren't selfish, they are suffering. They are hurting so much that they cannot think straight, they aren't well.

I have the urge to share, so for my family - who might have emotions triggered, feel free to skip the last bit of this.


“You are going,” my dad said, yanking my blankets off.

“No I’m not,” I threw the pillow on my face. He was trying to force me to go to another church activity. I couldn’t understand why he even bothered. There wasn’t a single person in my grade; I had no friends at church. Stupid youth activities.

He sighed, “Alexis, please.”


“Fine, then you can’t go see your friends today. You get to stay home.”

“Whatever,” I snapped.

The pillow stayed on my face until I heard him leave the room. Once I sat up, he came back with a glass of water. He set the water and the evil little pill on my dresser.

“Take it,” he commanded, and then left for work. I sat in bed, furious. There wasn’t anything wrong with me, I didn’t need medication. Prozac was for the weak.

I had been planning it for weeks. This was the day. My dad was at work, my mom was asleep, my little brother and cousin were downstairs – everything was timed perfectly.

There was no time to rethink, so I stuck to the plan. I tip-toed down the stairs, and peeked around the corner. My brother was watching TV, good; my cousin was asleep on the couch, even better. Making sure to act completely normal, I walked into the kitchen, opened the medicine cabinet, and smiled.

(Since that day, my dad keeps all the pills locked in a little safe. Who could blame him?)

“What are you doing?” I hadn’t noticed my younger brother walk into the room. There was no need to alarm him, so I kept smiling.

“Nothing... Look at all these pills!” I grabbed an armful of boxes and bottles then hurried back up the stairs. Once in the bathroom, I organized all of the pills on the counter. Prozac, Abilify, Ibuprofen, Advil, Lexapro, Aleve, Seroquel, and whatever else I could find. Each stack of pills were nice and neat, organized by color, size, and name.

I turned on the shower, just in case anybody got suspicious. The steam was warm, wet, and comforting. Leaning over the sink, I stared into the mirror. I’ll show them, I thought, I’ll take my pills, along with all the other pills in the house. Handful at a time, I swallowed the pills.

My arm slipped and I knocked several Lexapro into the sink. Quickly, I rescued them from the running water, and popped them in my mouth. The taste of the wet pills almost made me vomit; it was the most vile taste in the world. To this day the pill still makes me gag.

Soon enough, I had consumed every last pill. The containers were piled on the floor. The shower, it looked so warm and inviting. I stripped down and climbed in. My body felt tired, I sat in the corner of the tub, and leaned against the wall. The hot water rained over me, and my eyelids slid shut.

Somebody would eventually come in to check on me, but it would be too late. Somebody… but who? What if my little brother was the one to find me, he would be traumatized forever. My eyes opened. All the reasons not to do this flooded my mind. I started bawling. I felt slightly disoriented; the feeling was something like being tipsy.

I called my dad, who was obviously still annoyed with me. He was about to get a hell of a lot more upset.

“I don’t want to die,” I mumbled.

“You’re fine, Alexis.”

“I took all the pills.” You could almost hear him want to smack the stupid out of me.

“Wake up your mom, I’m coming home.”

If he was mad, I didn’t even want to think of my mother’s reaction. I decided not to wake her. Instead I grabbed and orange, and called my friend. He sat with me on the front steps while we waited for my dad.

The next 12 hours or so are very fuzzy. Once we got in the car, I couldn’t fight the sleepy feeling anymore. I only remember bits and pieces.

We were pulled over on the way to the hospital, and my dad was chastised for not calling an ambulance and speeding. I was forced to drink charcoal by a very unfriendly nurse. It tasted so awful, I remember begging for her to stick a tube down my throat instead.

Worst pain of my life. My stomach felt like it was going to burst and lava was going to flow out of me. Labor was cake compared to that. Apparently several friends came to visit me, including my boyfriend at the time; I don’t remember any of them.

I woke up in the acute unit of the Behavioral Health building, a familiar place. After being transferred to the Utah State Hospital, I lived in treatment until January.


Now I have my girls, they are my anti-depressants. Even when life gets so awful that I don't want to think, taking my life simply wouldn't be an option. They are far more important than me.

If someone you know is really hurting, please pay attention to them.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

My Family > Your Family

While searching through my pictures, I found this one. I miss having everyone within a 20 minute drive. Our obnoxiousness multiplies whenever we're all in the same room. We feed off other people being uncomfortable. I love it.

If I show up in the middle of the night, and demand that you load into a giant truck... it's because I'm moving everyone to Texas. No body likes Utah anyways...

Monday, January 10, 2011

Let's Do 52

I'm starting a new photography project this year.

Let's Do 52

It's a weekly thing, with a new theme for each week. Since I just found it, I had to catch up on the past 2 weeks.

Each week I'll be putting the pictures on my photo blog.

Let's see how long I stick with it. :P


Imagine being 19 years old, and finding out that your fiance is pregnant. (Yes, we were engaged, I'm not a total hussy) HUZZAH! Right? What isn't to celebrate? Responsibility, two people to provide for, and a lifetime commitment.

Of course, he did the right thing. He helped make the baby, now it was time to take care of it. We had a shotgun wedding, not quite the way I imagine getting married (I've been promised a "re-do"). He continued to work, while I wasted away in the bed.

For Lord knows what reason, *sarcasm* Denny wasn't really ready to be a father. I ended up being a "single mom" of sorts. He provided for us, and always made sure we had what we needed, but I felt alone in the parenting world.

He is a wonderful father, now.

There was a tiny piece of my mind, that was horrified of having doing it alone again, on top of already having a 3 year old. I knew better, but still, I worry - it's what I do.

The day Mya was born, he blew me away. It's safe to say that he probably looked after her more than I did the first day she was born.

He changes the tiny, poo filled, newborn diapers. He makes faces while doing it, but he still does it. I don't feel anxious when I leave him with either of the girls. Two weeks ago it would have given me a panic attack to leave him and Sophie for just 30 minutes.

So props to my hubby. You've made amazing progress as a father in the past 3 years. The girls and I love you very much. You are a wonderful daddy. :)

New Year

This past year varied from absolutely horrible to completely wonderful...

We celebrated 3 years of marriage.

I got pregnant.

I learned to crochet.

Both of our mothers got remarried.

Sophie switched from diapers to the potty.

My world was completely torn apart.

I asked for help.

We bought our first house.

Mama and Papa went back to Mexico.

I finally started using manual on my camera.

Denny got a pay raise.

Mya was born.

Sophie turned 3.

Many more things happened. I'm proud to say that I am stronger. I realized that I need to take care of myself, because no one else is going to do it for me. You need to love yourself, before you can love anyone else.

Good year. Hopefully this year is a tiny bit less stressful. :)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Sophie is 3!

For Sophie's birthday, we took her to Boondocks.

She is a very animated ski-ball player.

Shooting the dinosaurs with dad.

Driving... or crashing.

Mya slept the entire time in her Sleepy Wrap... which I love!

She does ridiculously well at the random chance games. More often than not she'll get the "bonus" tickets.

More ski-ball.

After Boondocks, we took her to the "ice cream store" - Farrs. Our Farrs is super awesome because it is a serve yourself place, where you get to pick from a variety of delicious ice creams and then oodles of toppings.

The next day we had her party.

I cheated. We took her to pick her own cake, then I used pink frosting to draw a giraffe on it. :)


Blowing out the candles.


Cutting the cake. Isn't he pretty in blue? If only I could get him to wear more color.

Eating the cake.

Sitting in her "birthday chair." Present time!
Notice the pjs? I did have her dressed earlier, but she decided that Dora jammies were better. It was her birthday... so why not.

Papa got her a Barbie. She loves combing her hair.

Big pink gift!

Grandma Tina got her some new footie pjs (which she refuses to take off), and blocks. Melissa got her a playdoh ice cream maker. Aspen got her an easy bake cookie designer thingy.

A little later Claire came by and brought her a little unicorn set, which gets taken everywhere.

My baby girl is so big. :( She's officially a Sunbeam, a big sister, and independent. I can't believe another year has already come and gone.