Friday, April 27, 2012


This post is going to be all rambling.

I am just going to let all of my crazy spill out.
Generally I try to keep the crazy to myself, but I'm going bananas here.

Life is hard, stupidly so.
But I have a fantastic life.

Two adorable, healthy, loving little girls.
An understanding husband that loves me despite my flaws.
A kick ass home.
A car that I can actually stretch my legs in.
I know what I want to be, and am working on my education as a midwife.
A handful of real friends.

and yet... I get into such awful dips.
It gets to the point where each and every day I find myself struggling.
Every. Day.

I bet you are thinking "surely, it cannot be every day."
Well balls to you. It is.
Just ask my poor husband, who often gets texts about how I am going to hide in the bathroom and cry.

It isn't even anything specific thing that drives me up the wall.

I have social anxiety out the wazoo. I avoid talking to people.
Any people.
Even people that I genuinely like.

They never quite figured out what was "wrong" with me as a teen.
They treated me with a cocktail of drugs, and made guesses as to what it was.
PTSD, OCD, Bipolar, BPS, Anxiety, Depression.
Eventually, I was just labeled as having a "mood disorder."
(duh, what teenager doesn't)

On to my lack of Faith.
I have some beef with God.

While I absolutely believe in Heaven and Hell, I am having troubles.
I believe with all of my heart that God loves each of his children. Not tolerates, but loves.

Why then, do so many people believe that being gay is so evil?
Now before everyone freaks out, I am not gay. I do however love several gay people very much.

Let's say there is an evil man. This evil man abuses children. He goes into therapy, gets "better." He lives his life, gets married, becomes LDS, the whole shebang. *DING* He gets a spot in Heaven, not just Heaven, but the highest level.

Then there is another man. A sweet, honest, loving man. He falls in love with another man, and they get married. They adopt a whole slew of children, saving them from abusive homes. He raises them to be loving individuals. Too bad he only gets to go to 2nd class Heaven.

Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this? I mean REALLY?

I love our religion. I love that Denny teaches the Sunbeams. I love that Sophie enjoys Primary. But something just isn't there anymore.

Lately I have zero desire to go to church. None whatsoever.

This is coming from the woman who fought to get her family to church for years.
I cried the day that Denny was baptized. Cried.

Slowly, it is melting away.
It probably started when we moved in and no one bothered to say hi to us for months.
I have never met my visiting teachers.
We have seen our home teachers twice.
We finished our temple prep classes 8 months ago. EIGHT MONTHS AGO.
For 8 months, no one has been willing to give up just one hour a week to teach Denny for his priesthood classes. No one.
Sophie doesn't want to go to her primary class. Turns out her teacher tells her she is "bad" for talking to her friend in class. SHE IS FOUR. Pardon me, but Hell no. 1- she is not "bad", sure she should probably stop talking, but the action alone does not define her as "bad". 2- even if she was a little terror, no one has the right to call my child "bad".

And so we reach my current point in life.

I don't know what the crap I'm doing.
My mood dipped so low for a while that I was seriously considering becoming an alcoholic.
Who does that?
Not only do I want a tattoo, but I have it all planned out in my head.

Feel free to be my friend and pray for me.
I'm sure I need it.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Off To The Park

The other day (when it wasn't stupidly cold), we went to the park with Grandma.

The girls sat out on the front porch waiting for Papa to come pick us up.

They are just too cute.

Mya was playing in the dirt earlier.... I'm pretty sure they are part mole.


There was much swinging.




And much sliding.



Seriously now....

Aren't they just the most adorable kids ever?



Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter

First things first, I went picture crazy today.

Here are the girls in their adorable Easter dresses.

I let the girls pick out the dresses and their shoes.
(Thanks to the gift money from Grandma Taly & Manuel).





And Sophie's shoes. She love them.

Denny dying on the floor.
Doesn't he look fancy? :D


Another of Mya
(I went a little overboard trying to get pictures of her)


After church, Denny and Sophie went to get my mom from the airport.

Mya napped.

Once they all got back, we started the EGG HUNT!





Both girls thoroughly enjoyed themselves.

We went back inside to open the eggs.


Guess who got tattoos?


Dinner was held at Papa's house.


Isaak made some onion burger things.


Sophie and Grandma Taly played games on her tablet.


Mya wandered about, doing her own thing.


Many loves were given.


A delightful day. :)


Sunday, April 1, 2012


Sophie is all about play dates.
She loves being around other kids.

Last week one of her little preschool friends came over to play.
I just loved listening to all of their silly conversations.



This weekend we had our first BBQ of the year.

It was awesome.