Friday, April 27, 2012

Lost

This post is going to be all rambling.

I am just going to let all of my crazy spill out.
Generally I try to keep the crazy to myself, but I'm going bananas here.

Life is hard, stupidly so.
But I have a fantastic life.

Two adorable, healthy, loving little girls.
An understanding husband that loves me despite my flaws.
A kick ass home.
A car that I can actually stretch my legs in.
I know what I want to be, and am working on my education as a midwife.
A handful of real friends.

and yet... I get into such awful dips.
It gets to the point where each and every day I find myself struggling.
Every. Day.

I bet you are thinking "surely, it cannot be every day."
Well balls to you. It is.
Just ask my poor husband, who often gets texts about how I am going to hide in the bathroom and cry.

It isn't even anything specific thing that drives me up the wall.

I have social anxiety out the wazoo. I avoid talking to people.
Any people.
Even people that I genuinely like.

They never quite figured out what was "wrong" with me as a teen.
They treated me with a cocktail of drugs, and made guesses as to what it was.
PTSD, OCD, Bipolar, BPS, Anxiety, Depression.
Eventually, I was just labeled as having a "mood disorder."
(duh, what teenager doesn't)

On to my lack of Faith.
I have some beef with God.

While I absolutely believe in Heaven and Hell, I am having troubles.
I believe with all of my heart that God loves each of his children. Not tolerates, but loves.

Why then, do so many people believe that being gay is so evil?
Now before everyone freaks out, I am not gay. I do however love several gay people very much.

Let's say there is an evil man. This evil man abuses children. He goes into therapy, gets "better." He lives his life, gets married, becomes LDS, the whole shebang. *DING* He gets a spot in Heaven, not just Heaven, but the highest level.

Then there is another man. A sweet, honest, loving man. He falls in love with another man, and they get married. They adopt a whole slew of children, saving them from abusive homes. He raises them to be loving individuals. Too bad he only gets to go to 2nd class Heaven.

Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this? I mean REALLY?

I love our religion. I love that Denny teaches the Sunbeams. I love that Sophie enjoys Primary. But something just isn't there anymore.

Lately I have zero desire to go to church. None whatsoever.

This is coming from the woman who fought to get her family to church for years.
I cried the day that Denny was baptized. Cried.

Slowly, it is melting away.
It probably started when we moved in and no one bothered to say hi to us for months.
I have never met my visiting teachers.
We have seen our home teachers twice.
We finished our temple prep classes 8 months ago. EIGHT MONTHS AGO.
For 8 months, no one has been willing to give up just one hour a week to teach Denny for his priesthood classes. No one.
Sophie doesn't want to go to her primary class. Turns out her teacher tells her she is "bad" for talking to her friend in class. SHE IS FOUR. Pardon me, but Hell no. 1- she is not "bad", sure she should probably stop talking, but the action alone does not define her as "bad". 2- even if she was a little terror, no one has the right to call my child "bad".

And so we reach my current point in life.

I don't know what the crap I'm doing.
My mood dipped so low for a while that I was seriously considering becoming an alcoholic.
Who does that?
Not only do I want a tattoo, but I have it all planned out in my head.

Feel free to be my friend and pray for me.
I'm sure I need it.

3 comments:

Jaimie said...

I don't do praying, but I do listen and I don't think my advice is terrible. If you'd ever just like to talk, I am here for you. I think you're a great mom, and an awesome person and I am lucky to have you as a friend.

Mikey aka John said...

Get your tattoo! What is it and where is it going?

theadventuresoflactatinggirl.com said...

I totally get it. Sometimes I have absolutely no reason why I want to ripe my hair out and the day is only half way over, but it still happens.

If you ever need to talk, I'm here. I also know what it's like to be given the "cocktail of drugs" and be labeled with every mental disorder possible. It makes me wonder how "normal" people even exist. I think they're just better at hiding their crazy than I am. :-P