Nature Preserve

There are no mountains here.

Thus, no hiking.

This saddened me a wee bit.

THEN

We went to the nature preserve. 

All is better.

Enjoy the overload of pictures.

 

Upon arrival, Sophie and Katie instantly paired off.

They were born just 10 days apart.

Adorable, yes?

At every bridge we had to stop and look at the water.

Every. Bridge.

The tiny ones got special treatment.

The oldest skated her heart out.

She was further ahead of me 90% of the time, making it hard to get pictures.

I will have to make a road block next time.

Denny even snapped a few photos of me.

I told him how to focus and release the shutter, but forgot to have him fix the shutter speed.

My bad.

Finn rode along in my wrap the whole way. 

 

After the nice long walk, the kids dispersed among the playground.

Finn woke up from his nap.

We will spend many evenings at this wonderful place.

Love Thyself

The other day I was banging my head against the wall in my shower.

I was pissed off.

Not at any one thing in particular, just at life.

My mind had started a snowball of hate.

"Stupid day. Stupid heat. Stupid apartment. Stupid shower. Stupid everything." 

And so on and so forth.

Standing in my underwear, I looked into our full length {and very unforgiving) mirror.

I poked the fanny pack of skin on my front.

"Stupid stretch marks."

Mya busted into the room.

Chocolate covered and glorious, she grinned up at me.

"Mom, you so pretty!"

Throwing her arms around my legs, she radiated joy.

I picked her up and buried my face in her beautifully crazy curls.

She didn't see the stretches marks, the bags under my eyes, the unshaved legs, or the extra weight.

 She saw her mommy, and mommy is beautiful.

This slapped me back into reality.

I need to put more effort into loving my body.

It literally grew three people.

Not one, not two, but three people.

That in itself is amazing. 

Watercolor Pencils

Today's happiness is brought to you by:

Watercolor pencils.

Simply dip the pencil tip in water.

 

And go wild.

 

 

It's so easy that even toddlers can join in.

 

Just be sure to keep the infant at a safe distance.

Hours of fun.

 

And they wash off easily.

(even out of carpet & clothes)

 

 I have the feeling we will go through lots of these.

 

Aren't my kids just freakin' adorable?

Ya, I think so too.

We Got This

I had such an awesome game plan.

I got a double stroller to go on nice long walks.
I planned out my garden to get lots of outside physical activity.
The girls had their swing set outside whenever I needed a break.
I had several close friends that were well aware of my post-baby crazies.
Friends that could easily walk over and take the girls.
We had a park just down the road.
Denny had a whopping 3 weeks of time off saved up.
I had a midwife, a doula, a photographer, and a home birth planed.
My midwife was going to encapsulate my placenta.

I. Was. Ready.


Life happens. Plans change.

I still tried to do all I could to prevent postpartum depression.
I managed to find a midwife, doula, and photographer.
I have an amazing sister in law just down the road.
 I had a beautiful natural birth.
No complications.
My baby is perfectly healthy.
I'm eating my placenta for crying out loud.
 I did everything right.
And yet.


There are times when I am completely fine.
There are times when I can function like a grown woman.
There are times when I genuinely enjoy life.
Times when I just sit and stare into his beautiful eyes.
Times when I snuggle my silly girls.
Times when everything is ok.

In an instant it changes.
Someone does something that makes me snap.
My eyes glass over.

I stare off into nothing, and wait for it to come.

I get sucked down into that deep dark pit where everything is terrible.
Where the only thing I am capable of doing is crying.
Where words are too hard, and feeling is unbearable.
A small part of my brain assures me that this feeling can't last forever.
I hang onto that one thought, gripping it for dear life.
Just a few hours, and it will pass.

In that moment, I cannot ask for help.

My mind can't even form a simple sentence.

I am drowning.

Thankfully my husband is pretty pro at this.
He has witnessed the endless sobs as I struggle to find words that express how I feel.
He has watched me completely crumble in defeat.
He knows what's going on.
So he just sits.
Reminding me that it is ok, feelings are normal.
I am not crazy, and it will stop soon.
No judgement.
Just love.
Love, as he waits for me to surface again.



Why put my crazy out on the internet?
To wipe out the general idea that PPD is all crazy moms that kill children.
Sticking babies in microwaves or drowning kids.
No.
PPD has nothing to do with your love for your kids.
Your body is trying to rebalanced itself.
It is something you cannot fully understand unless you experience it yourself.

So to any other moms coming undone.
The kids won't shut up, the house is a mess, life is full of stress.
It will pass.
We keep fighting, and it will pass.

We got this.

Waiting for Cha-cha

My girls absolutely adore their aunt Tasha.

(Mya affectionately refers to her as "cha-cha")

Tasha often picks my girls up for playdates, so that I can maintain some small bit of my sanity.

The other day it was lightly raining, making it cool enough to wait outside.

Enjoy some of their cuteness.