GRR

Ok, is it just me?

All the pictures have awesome color on my laptop... but when I get on Denny's computer everything looks really yellow.

Do they look yellow to you?

Please and thank you.

Sunshine

God knew that I was slowly going insane, so he gave me a break.

It's 50 degrees outside today! :D

I bundled up Mya, plopped Sophie in the stroller, and we took a walk to the park down the road. A small (and crazy) part of me wanted to strip naked and soak up the sun. Don't worry, I resisted the urge. Despite the fact that the wind was cold, we had a good time.

We've also started taking our morning showers upstairs. There is a nice big window in the shower so we get sunshine in there too. It's helping.

Aside from the small emotional breakdowns (like not making it to church yesterday), I think things are a little better.

Crack

My mother often reminds me that it is physically painful for her to live so far away. The pictures and videos that I post are the equivalent of crack to her.

Sorry I haven't put many up, mom.
Here's your fix.
I even went through and edited them all, so click on the pictures to enlarge them.

My brother hangs out with Denny. They nerd. Plus two depressed people should equal happiness right? negative + negative = positive?

When Sophie was an infant, I was delighted by the way she reacted to wind. Her eyes got all huge and she'd stick her tongue out. Tonight I found out that Mya does the same thing when you blow on her face. It makes me giggle.

My girls.

Prettiest ladies in the world. :)

PPD is Balls

Everything went wonderful. The pregnancy was far more enjoyable this time around. The labor and delivery were actually delightful; it went just how I wanted. Mya sleeps better than any newborn should. She nurses well and is gaining weight. Sophie is adjusting to being a big sister very well. I couldn't ask for a more helpful husband.

So why does this all feel like a cruel joke?

Due to marital issues, the majority of my last pregnancy was spent crying. Once Sophie was born, the crying continued, as I tried to take care of her myself. I blamed that postpartum depression on the lack of support.

I'm an overachiever, it's what I do. I want to try something new, I do well at it, then continue until it is "perfect" in my eyes. I simply dismissed the idea of PPD this time around. It wouldn't happen. I had a husband who contributed, I'd already had a newborn before (and a high-needs one at that), I could do this.

I should have known better. Having depression run in my family, dealing with depression earlier in life, and already having PPD once before - all made it a pretty good chance I'd deal with it again.

I thought I was doing pretty darn good. I didn't feel sad, I didn't have uncontrollable urges to cry.

I also didn't realize that I spend 12-13 hours in bed. I'm snippy, I can feel myself get irritated at things that wouldn't have bothered me before. I don't want to be around people. It's safe to say that Sophie and I have lived in pajamas for the past month. I'm pretty sure I don't eat enough, because I just don't want to go upstairs and get food.

Yesterday I wanted to sit on the couch and relax, and Sophie asked for a snack. That's all. It is absolutely absurd that asking for a snack would stress me out, but it did.

Having lived with depression/bipolar disorder, I know how to handle my mood dips. I go outside, I soak up the sun. I take Sophie on walks to the park. I play piano. ...all things that I can't do right now. Yay winter.

I plan to ask my Midwife for helpful ideas at my appointment next week. There are two things that just won't fly. 1- a lot of time away from my kids. 2- medication.

I love my family, and know you just get concerned out of love... but if you tell me to take happy pills, I'll smack you. I don't even take Sudafed while I nurse, because EVERYTHING I ingest goes into Mya. I won't stop breastfeeding just to start pills either.

So I don't ignore you because I don't love you, I just don't feel like dealing with people. Denny is a wonderful support, and if I'm lucky it will go away sooner rather than later. I'm not always down, it just comes in spurts. So don't worry (even though I know my mom will anyways).

2 weeks

At her 2 week appointment (last Monday) she weighed 7 lbs and measured nearly 22 inches.
She gained a whole pound. :)

Remember the oodles of tiny newborn diapers I made? ...Turns out I'm not a fan of fitteds on a newborn. At least I can sell them. I really like our prefolds though, under comfy fleece covers. Live and learn.

She is more alert during the day now, and still sleeps well at night. She is a nursing pro, and her skin color looks much better.

Sophie is a wonderful helper. She loves her baby Mya.